funny

Saw this piece, written by a Mr. Samson Nanton.  Too funny not to share...
People you meet in public lines (in Trinidad):
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1. The Loud Brawlish Greeter:
She usually comes into the line with a very loud greeting... "Morning everybody"...then she goes on to address those who ignored her..."Like some people in here have no manners boy."
She spots the security guard glancing at her because she's rather loud...."Morning Mr Officer...doh study me yuh know...I just come to pay mih light bill...they cut meh neighbour last night...ah did tell she pay she bill but she harden. But not me...aye aye...Mr Nanton dais you? But look how yuh skin smooth like mines...ah does watch yuh on de TV...." - (20 minutes later without stopping to take a breath) - "Mr Officer yuh married? Ah looking for a husband yuh know..."
2. The Know-It-All:
"Sir yuh have to take a number first!" (well who asked you?)
"Is a renewal yuh come for...well you here whole day. Yuh have to come here from 5 o'clock next time." (nobody asked you)
"If you didn't bring a passport picture you not getting through. The machine broke down last week so you will have to come back. (...asked no one)
"Sir is better you go and ask the woman over there for another appointment tomorrow because it have real people in front you waiting here. (riiggghhttt)
3. Misery Looking For Company:
Wants to start a not-too-polite shout at the tellers, but wants to feel out the crowd first, so speaks in a deep tone to the person next to him, seeking out a fellow grumbler.
"But like this line ain't moving! Is over half hour I here now."
Then the bachannal woman three persons down replies, "Is lazy they lazy in here! Always this kinda dotishness when yuh come here".
The man two persons down chips in softly-ish, "I take my lunch hour to come here yuh know. Dem ain't know people have work or what? I standing up here since 12."
Misery gets the company to legitimise a loud grumble, which is usually just thrown into the air, not at any one person, but loud enough for all to hear...."Alyuh moving too slow man. Come on nah man. People have work to go back to."
The woman three persons down is the back-up, and she is louder: "Is so dey is. If I didn't have to pay this bill I was NEVER coming here!" (eh?? 🤷🏽‍♂️ That making sense to you? Nobody was coming here if they didn't have to pay a bill.)
Man two persons down, joins the fray, a lil more diplomatic but still loud enough for all to hear: "Yeah man, ah find this is a lil too much man. Ah go be late for work man. Alyuh have to do better than that."
At this point, the security who was busy watching the game on the TV monitor, starts actually focusing on the line, to which the woman three persons down jabs, "Watch he! People cyah talk they mind in here. Stueps. Not me and alyuh today nah!"
4. The Lonely Story-Teller:
Pity this one...usually an elderly woman who doesn't get around much. She tells you about her niece, who just passed for St Joseph's Convent, and her son who's supposed to be coming down from the States next week, where he's studying to become a doctor and how his wife ain't a nice person but she can't wait to see her grandson although her grandson bounced his toe on the table last week. And then she pulls out a phone and after some digging up, she shows you the grandson. Then she swipes the screen left and then right...and left again..."oh gosh, how yuh does do this again? Yes...look mih son here. His name is Nirmal...he coming back Wednesday yuh know. But is just he and meh grandson because the wife cyah come. I aint mind too much though. She not nice." For the tolerant ones, she's just a nice old woman sharing her story, but when you glance at woman three persons down, her face is twisted up rather sourly wondering why granny can't shut it.
5. The Prim and Proper:
This is the one who believes that even Mother Nature herself isn't as proper as her. She's usually someone with money, who is angry that she even has to be as other mere mortals and stand in line. She looks upon everyone with indignation and hugs her handbag across her belly, because clearly, somebody, maybe woman three persons down, might try to grab it. No one must even look upon her, and if you dare, you will be smitten with the look of doom by piercing eyes more devious than Hades. The only person who is allowed into her presence is the neatly dressed fair-skin worker who comes through the line asking everyone what transaction they came to do. But when she realises her transaction does not quite exonerate her from the line, she turns into the countenance of Death itself...and daring to watch her then, turns you into a pillar or stone.
6. The Schemer:
Always trying to get through faster than everyone because he parked his car right outside and the wrecker is circling. "Boss man ah could get a lil bligh or what? Ah just run in to pay a bill and ah watching meh car nah."
Woman three persons down done giving him the look of scorn mixed with a "buh aye aye...who is he" expression.
So you tell him with a smile, "I wish I could help you eh brother but people waiting here real long to be honest."
"Uhright brodda....respect eh!"
He goes back in the line for all of 30 seconds before he spots a person looking a lil more vulnerable and slithers over to whisper the same request. Woman three persons down gets vocal and throws into the air for all to hear, "Like some people feel dey could just skip de line?!" It's a warning enough to everybody else, "if alyuh think alyuh letting him through I will make real noise in here".
That mission failed, he slithers to a worker who is now coming back in from lunch to "inquire" about how to pay the bill. She asks one question and points him back to the line. He comes back with a hasty whisper, "Oh gosh boy, ah hope the wrecker ain't come nah." He stays in the line another two minutes and then leaves muttering, "Ah feel ah go have to do this tomorrow yes".
7. The Singer:
Oblivious to the fact that there are actually other people in the world, this youth is locked away in his earphones and phone listening to God knows what! Usually the music is some kind of annoying gangster rap. And he's singing louder than he knows.
"Moving to the Southside...woop woop...rolling in my 20s, feeding on my lentils...ratatatataaa".
You toy with the idea of slapping him back onto planet earth but then you spot woman three persons down and she's actually enjoying this one...first entertainment she got for the day. You wouldn't chance disrupting her lil joy.
Meanwhile, Prim and Proper is figgeting like an earthquake.
"Wesstttsideee...where my dogs at...whooop whooop...moving like a bobcat....ohhh, rolling through the citttttyyy!"
Mr Security Guard looks like he's doing an Add Maths test, just trying to figure out if to move in and stop the fella or if by doing so, he'd be overstepping his boundaries.
"Watch he," woman three persons down blurts out with a long 'stuuueeeepss', and the guard quickly retreats....Add Maths test is over....he ain't touching dat fella. Let the music play on.
8. The Solver of All Problems:
He reads the newspapers and he knows how to fix this country and cannot understand how all politicians, every single one, fails to see it.
"This country simple to fix yuh know. What yuh have to do is this...." (Oh lawd🤦🏾‍♂️)
"So hear meh. The Treasury have $60 billion right, ent dais what the budget is, right, $60 billion. And is how much people we have living here...ah million? What they need to do is take $3 billion and divide it up right..and give everybody a piece of dat, and people would now have more income and when yuh start to buy more things now, yuh generating more economic activity. Ah tell yuh dis ting easy yuh know. Is just dem in Parliament like tuh make de ting hard. How ah talk?"
"Dat making plenty sense," says, guess who...woman three persons down.
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How many of these have you encountered?
- p.s: I write prose for fun. If anyone is offended, I apologise.